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Caring for the Caregiver: Psychological Needs

Written by Aneta Eichler, University of Tennessee Extension Agent, Sequatchie County

Becoming a caregiver can be very rewarding.  You may feel that you are giving back to someone who has given so much for you or you might feel that you are making up for past mistakes.  However, caring for a loved one that is no longer able to care for themselves can trigger many psychological issues for the caregiver.  The caregiver may have overwhelming feelings of guilt, resentment, fear or expectations.

Guilt is a common feeling related to caregiving.  You may wonder if you are doing enough or second guess a choice made on behalf of your loved one.  Evaluate your efforts to serve your loved one.  If you are trying hard to meet their needs, you do not need to feel guilty when things hinder that effort.  One way to off-set this concern is to have a back-up plan in place.  Consider all the ways you serve your loved one, set down with other family members or friends and ask them to be your back-up in case something would hinder you from following through with your responsibilities.  For example, you may be responsible for preparing meals for your loved one.  You may want to talk with a trusted neighbor and sign them up as back up.  Then if a bad storm hits or you fall ill, help is simply a phone call away.  I would suggest keeping this list in a prominent place for other members of the family to locate if needed.

We may develop feelings of resentment when our loved ones are taking up so much of our time.  These feelings may create guilt which puts into motion a vicious cycle of resentment and guilt.  If your feelings of resentment are prevalent, admit that you need a little time to rejuvenate yourself and send out the S.O.S. code to your friends and family members.  Do not feel guilty when you need a little R & R, it is completely natural and normal to need this time.  Your Area Agency on Aging may be able to help provide needed resources for you and your family.

Fear and sadness are other feelings you may experience.  Your parent or spouse is physically or mentally deteriorating.  They may now require assistance for things they gave you in the past.  The roles are reversing.  A fear of the unknown with your loved one’s approaching dying and death process, coming to terms with your own mortality and spirituality, and comforting your loved one may cause an element of fear and sadness.  The sadness may be coming from the times you will not have together in the future or that you wasted in the past.

Sometimes our expectations create dissatisfaction.  As we near retirement, we may make plans to travel or pursue a new hobby.  Instead, we are faced with the reality that we are tied down with the responsibility of caregiving.  This is a good time to remind yourself that caregiving is allowing you a chance to bond closer with your loved one.  Research shows that we feel more satisfaction when we are serving and caring for others.  However, this does not mean that you should not continue with your plans to travel or learn a new skill.  In order to meet your own expectations you may need to hire someone to care for the person for several weeks while you travel or a few hours a week while you work on hobbies. Remember to spend some time and money on yourself to avoid feeling suffocated with too many responsibilities. 

During this difficult time, remember to CELEBRATE LIFE!  Encourage your loved one to participate in your celebration of the little things like a beautiful sunset, the change of seasons, a bird’s song, the sweet smell of lilacs, the laughter of a child, or the succulent taste of fresh bread.  Enjoy a memory shared together by looking at some old photographs or reminiscing over funny stories of old.  Laughter can lift our moods and heal our broken spirits so remember to laugh often!

What are some of the feelings you experience?

Information taken from: DeBois, M & Bosch, K (2006). Who cares for the caregiver. Nebraska Lincoln       Extension. Publication HEF569