Fighting Fair

When fighting, we portray one of three different personality traits.  Some of us fight with aggression.  We are yellers, stompers, slammers and all out fit throwers. (You know who you are.)  Others fight by being passive.  We retreat into our shell like a wounded turtle.  We might not speak for days and withhold affection or acknowledgment to the one that has angered us. (Be honest and admit it.)  There is a better way to resolve conflict, Assertiveness.  When we use one simple communication tool, our conflicts can become areas of healthy discussions and problem solving sessions instead of battle fields where everyone loses.

An I message is a simple three-part statement that informs others (a) how you feel, (b) what event or what action bothers you, and (c) what you would like to have happen differently.  The first benefit of an I message is its ability to neutralize an argument. An I message does not blame the other person and does not sound judgmental.  For example: Instead of saying, “you make me so angry,” you might say, “I feel angry when…”.  You messages usually make the listener feel attacked and angry.  The response is likely to be negative and lead to an argument.  On the other hand, a simple I statement may result in a more helpful, cooperative response for solving the problem.

I messages also give the passive and/or the aggressive personality trait a healthy voice on which to be heard. The second part of the I message allows the sender to calmly voice what situation is making them uncomfortable.  For example: You might be angry when your spouse is habitually late to dinner.  You might say, “I feel disrespected when I prepare a meal for our family and you arrive home late.”  This allows the receiver to actually hear the problem being stated without engaging in a shouting match or experiencing the silent treatment. 

The third part of the I message opens up the door for healthy problem solving.  Once the feelings and the cause have been identified, the sender may now make a recommendation for what would make the situation better.  For example: You might say, “I would appreciate you calling home by 4:00 when you know you are going to be late.” This suggestion allows the receiver to respond with agreement or to make other suggestions that might work for both parties.

It takes some time for I messages to feel natural in conversation.  Think about what you want to say before you deliver the message.  Use the formula for an I message to help you express what you want to say. You might even want to write your message down to make sure it says what you feel and what you want without accusing the other person.  Remember the formula:

I feel (insert feeling word or phrase) when (say what happens that makes you feel that way).  I would like (tell what you would like to have happen in the future).

If you would like more information on healthy communication skills, contact the Extension office at 423-949-2611 or visit our website  or like us on Facebook.   

 

Are You Listening?

Are You Listening?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=airT-m9LcoY

Many of you may remember the Abbot and Costello routine “Who’s On First”.  How many of you have ever felt that your conversations fell into this comedic routine?  This is a fine example of how we often miscommunicate with one another.  We send from 300 to 1000 messages each day.  Is it any wonder that sometimes things get mixed up along the way?  With every message there is a sender and receiver.  Both the sender and receiver can develop skills that make communication effective and reduce conflict and misunderstanding.  

 Active listening is the responsibility of the receiver.  This is a tool to make sure that the receiver understands what the sender is saying.  In order to be an active listener one must listen to the words being said, watch the body language of the sender, hear the tone of voice used, and interpret what was said based on all of those clues.  Once the receiver has interpreted this information, it is their job to reflect back to the sender what they understood to be the message.  (Didn’t know listening was such hard work did you?) Here are some tips to make your job more successful:

·         Give your full attention to the person speaking.  Get rid of distractions (cell phone, radio, tv).

·         Focus on the speaker’s message by listening for the main idea.  Try to get the point of what someone is saying rather than remembering every word.

·         Show your interest.  Lean toward the speaker.  Give the speaker eye contact.  Nod at or encourage the speaker to continue. (Body language makes up over 80% of our communication)

·         Remember what the speaker has said.  Repeat what you understood the speaker to say.  They can validate or correct your understanding.

·         DO NOT INTERUPT THE SPEAKER.  Our family uses a talking stick to serve as a visual tool to remind us to listen completely to the one speaking.

The rewards of being a good listener are sometimes reaped instantly in a closer relationship with your spouse, child, family member, friend or co-worker.  Other times the rewards may be reaped years later.  Just remember that the practice of communication skills is not always easy.  You may find you make some mistakes along the way.  Remember to keep the overall goal of being a good listener in mind and keep practicing.  I can make a difference in how you feel about yourself and the recipient will certainly be healthier because you listened to them.

If you would like more information on healthy communication skills, contact the Extension office at 423-949-2611 or visit our website or like our Facebook page. 

References:

University of Tennessee Extension and Tennessee State Cooperative Extension Service - Family      

         and Consumer Sciences (2013).  Parenting Apart: Effective Co-Parenting.

Fulleylove-Krause, Faden and Hagen-Jokela, Rebecca (1995). Positive Parenting: Listening is a Love 

         in Action.

Coming Soon....

Our Sequatchie County Extension Staff is gearing up for 2014.  Be watching for our new series of news articles, radio spots and blog posts entitled, "Conversations with your local Extension Staff".  Our conversations are scheduled to begin January 1, 2014.  We want this to be an interactive opportunity with others in our community so please let us know if you have a particular topic you would like us to discuss in this series.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!