4-H Parents Make a Difference

It's September and that means 4-H clubs begin again!  I love spending time with our youth and watching them mature into tomorrow's leaders! The parent/caring adult of a 4-H member plays a major role in the support network of the Tennessee 4-H Youth Development Program.  Parental support is especially important in the development of youth.  If parent/caring adults are involved right from the beginning, chances are higher for a successful 4-H experience.  By involving yourself in 4-H youth activities, you create a sense of belonging for your child and all children involved.

 

You Can Make A Difference By Doing The Following:

ü  Show interest in what youth are doing.

ü  Provide materials and equipment your children may need.

ü  Make sure your child attends the 4-H club meetings.

ü  Be familiar with the 4-H members’ responsibilities.

ü  Support 4-H leaders. Get to know them, and let them know you appreciate their efforts.

ü  Encourage your children to complete their projects.  Let children do their own work; work side by side with your child; don’t do their project for them.  Let them experience success and set-backs.

ü  Support your child to complete any 4-H responsibility he or she may have been elected or selected to do.  Also, help youth follow through with tasks they volunteer for.

ü  Remember…the objective of 4-H is to build youth into responsible citizens.  The way they do their work – complete projects, conduct meetings, participate in competitive events, etc. - will develop life skills and help set work and character patterns for the rest of their lives.

ü  Encourage youth not to over commit themselves to too many activities.  Over commitment does not allow them to complete tasks effectively and often leads to frustration.

ü  Support other children in the club as you will your own children.  Give praise for a job well done and encourage them when difficulties arise.  This helps form trusting relationships and a sense of community within the club.

ü  Make 4-H a “family affair.” Get the entire family involved in 4-H activities and events – wither as spectators, participants or volunteers.

ü  Read all 4-H mailings.

ü  Become aware of opportunities through 4-H that may affect not only your child, but also others in the club and your community as well.

ü  Be 4-H’s best advertisement by knowing about the program.

ü  Be a positive role model in all areas especially sportsmanship and ethics.

ü  Assist in strengthening the educational quality of club activities.

ü  Promote the basic 4-H philosophy – our product is youth and our projects are the means by which we develop our product.

ü  Follow specific requirements that a club, organization or county group may require.

ü  Follow the 4-H guidelines and policies of the University of Tennessee Extension and the 4-H Youth Development Program.

Caring for the Caregiver: Psychological Needs

Written by Aneta Eichler, University of Tennessee Extension Agent, Sequatchie County

Becoming a caregiver can be very rewarding.  You may feel that you are giving back to someone who has given so much for you or you might feel that you are making up for past mistakes.  However, caring for a loved one that is no longer able to care for themselves can trigger many psychological issues for the caregiver.  The caregiver may have overwhelming feelings of guilt, resentment, fear or expectations.

Guilt is a common feeling related to caregiving.  You may wonder if you are doing enough or second guess a choice made on behalf of your loved one.  Evaluate your efforts to serve your loved one.  If you are trying hard to meet their needs, you do not need to feel guilty when things hinder that effort.  One way to off-set this concern is to have a back-up plan in place.  Consider all the ways you serve your loved one, set down with other family members or friends and ask them to be your back-up in case something would hinder you from following through with your responsibilities.  For example, you may be responsible for preparing meals for your loved one.  You may want to talk with a trusted neighbor and sign them up as back up.  Then if a bad storm hits or you fall ill, help is simply a phone call away.  I would suggest keeping this list in a prominent place for other members of the family to locate if needed.

We may develop feelings of resentment when our loved ones are taking up so much of our time.  These feelings may create guilt which puts into motion a vicious cycle of resentment and guilt.  If your feelings of resentment are prevalent, admit that you need a little time to rejuvenate yourself and send out the S.O.S. code to your friends and family members.  Do not feel guilty when you need a little R & R, it is completely natural and normal to need this time.  Your Area Agency on Aging may be able to help provide needed resources for you and your family.

Fear and sadness are other feelings you may experience.  Your parent or spouse is physically or mentally deteriorating.  They may now require assistance for things they gave you in the past.  The roles are reversing.  A fear of the unknown with your loved one’s approaching dying and death process, coming to terms with your own mortality and spirituality, and comforting your loved one may cause an element of fear and sadness.  The sadness may be coming from the times you will not have together in the future or that you wasted in the past.

Sometimes our expectations create dissatisfaction.  As we near retirement, we may make plans to travel or pursue a new hobby.  Instead, we are faced with the reality that we are tied down with the responsibility of caregiving.  This is a good time to remind yourself that caregiving is allowing you a chance to bond closer with your loved one.  Research shows that we feel more satisfaction when we are serving and caring for others.  However, this does not mean that you should not continue with your plans to travel or learn a new skill.  In order to meet your own expectations you may need to hire someone to care for the person for several weeks while you travel or a few hours a week while you work on hobbies. Remember to spend some time and money on yourself to avoid feeling suffocated with too many responsibilities. 

During this difficult time, remember to CELEBRATE LIFE!  Encourage your loved one to participate in your celebration of the little things like a beautiful sunset, the change of seasons, a bird’s song, the sweet smell of lilacs, the laughter of a child, or the succulent taste of fresh bread.  Enjoy a memory shared together by looking at some old photographs or reminiscing over funny stories of old.  Laughter can lift our moods and heal our broken spirits so remember to laugh often!

What are some of the feelings you experience?

Information taken from: DeBois, M & Bosch, K (2006). Who cares for the caregiver. Nebraska Lincoln       Extension. Publication HEF569

 

Be Silent No More

By: Heather Wallace, Assistant Professor and Human Development Specialist, University of Tennessee Extension 

Page Content

 

Losing someone special to death, no matter the circumstance, is never easy. Hearing about the passing of a beloved public figure like actor and comedian, Robin Williams can be equally tough, especially when the cause is preventable, says Heather Wallace, assistant professor and a human development specialist with University of Tennessee Extension.

According to the Tennessee Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services, an estimated 850 people die by suicide in Tennessee every year. It’s the third leading cause of death among youth and young adults in the state and across the nation. “While deeply saddening, hearing about a person’s apparent self-inflicted death provides parents and families opportunities to have open conversations about difficult topics like death and suicide.” Wallace adds that conversations will vary depending on beliefs, culture and children’s ages.

Matt Devereaux, professor and a child development specialist with UT Extension Family and Consumer Sciences, says children in elementary school or younger should be guarded from exposure to media coverage focused on the cause of Robin Williams’ death. However, if they ask questions about suicide and death, Devereaux says that honesty is the best policy. “The important thing when speaking with young children is short and simple responses to their questions,” Devereaux said.  He also noted that children should be ensured that they always have a safe person to talk to should they ever have such thoughts or feel sad in a way that is different than just stubbing your toe.”

Devereaux adds that parents and caregivers should seize this opportunity to talk open and honestly with youth who are middle- and high-school age about the signs and symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts. “You will not cause a person to become suicidal just by talking about it,” he said. “Communicate clearly that you are a safe person that he or she can always reach out to for non-judgmental and honest conversations about mental health.”

Here are some of the signs and symptoms of suicidal thoughts and planning, along with resources to guide conversations, and where to turn for help.

Signs of Suicidal Thoughts and Plans

(From the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and the non-profit organization Helpguide.org)

● Looking for a way to kill oneself, like searching online or buying items to assist suicide.
● Preoccupation with death.
● Talking about (any of these):
   - Wanting to die or to kill oneself,
   - Feeling hopeless or no reason to live,
   - Feeling trapped or in unbearable pain,
   - Wanting to sleep and not wake up,
   - Being a burden to others.
● Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
● Acting anxious/agitated; being reckless.
● Sleeping too little or too much.
● Withdrawing or feeling isolated.
● Showing rage or talking about revenge.
● Displaying extreme mood swings.
● Sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed.
● Giving away personal items for no apparent reason.

Need Help Now?

● The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1-800-273-TALK1-800-273-TALK (8255) - a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

● Tennessee-specific - 1-855-CRISIS-11-855-CRISIS-1 (1-855-274-74711-855-274-7471) or chat online (2 p.m. - 2 a.m. Eastern time)

If you’re with someone in need of help, experts recommend you take these steps:
● Stay with that person until he or she has the help they need.
● Ask to call a help lifeline for him or her.
● Persuade the person that he or she needs professional help. Take that person to the hospital if needed.

More Information is available from the the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website. Evidence-based suicide prevention training for professionals is available from the QPR Institute.

The UT Institute of Agriculture provides instruction, research and public service through the UT College of Agricultural Sciences and Natural Resources, the UT College of Veterinary Medicine, UT AgResearch, including its system of 10 research and education centers, and UT Extension offices in every county in the state.

###

Contact:

Heather Wallace, assistant professor and human development specialist, UT Extension, 865-974-7193865-974-7193, heather.wallace@utk.edu

Fighting Fair

When fighting, we portray one of three different personality traits.  Some of us fight with aggression.  We are yellers, stompers, slammers and all out fit throwers. (You know who you are.)  Others fight by being passive.  We retreat into our shell like a wounded turtle.  We might not speak for days and withhold affection or acknowledgment to the one that has angered us. (Be honest and admit it.)  There is a better way to resolve conflict, Assertiveness.  When we use one simple communication tool, our conflicts can become areas of healthy discussions and problem solving sessions instead of battle fields where everyone loses.

An I message is a simple three-part statement that informs others (a) how you feel, (b) what event or what action bothers you, and (c) what you would like to have happen differently.  The first benefit of an I message is its ability to neutralize an argument. An I message does not blame the other person and does not sound judgmental.  For example: Instead of saying, “you make me so angry,” you might say, “I feel angry when…”.  You messages usually make the listener feel attacked and angry.  The response is likely to be negative and lead to an argument.  On the other hand, a simple I statement may result in a more helpful, cooperative response for solving the problem.

I messages also give the passive and/or the aggressive personality trait a healthy voice on which to be heard. The second part of the I message allows the sender to calmly voice what situation is making them uncomfortable.  For example: You might be angry when your spouse is habitually late to dinner.  You might say, “I feel disrespected when I prepare a meal for our family and you arrive home late.”  This allows the receiver to actually hear the problem being stated without engaging in a shouting match or experiencing the silent treatment. 

The third part of the I message opens up the door for healthy problem solving.  Once the feelings and the cause have been identified, the sender may now make a recommendation for what would make the situation better.  For example: You might say, “I would appreciate you calling home by 4:00 when you know you are going to be late.” This suggestion allows the receiver to respond with agreement or to make other suggestions that might work for both parties.

It takes some time for I messages to feel natural in conversation.  Think about what you want to say before you deliver the message.  Use the formula for an I message to help you express what you want to say. You might even want to write your message down to make sure it says what you feel and what you want without accusing the other person.  Remember the formula:

I feel (insert feeling word or phrase) when (say what happens that makes you feel that way).  I would like (tell what you would like to have happen in the future).

If you would like more information on healthy communication skills, contact the Extension office at 423-949-2611 or visit our website  or like us on Facebook.   

 

Saving For College: Graduating With the Least Amount of Debt

February is National America Saves month.  One of the greatest debts we can ecru is that of paying for our child’s education beyond High School.  By June most recent high school graduates know what college they are going to, but many of them may still not know how they are going to pay for it. We’ve heard the stats that the average debt students have upon graduation has skyrocketed to $35,200, according to a recent Fidelity survey, and that the costs of attending college increase 6% each year. College is still a great investment for most students, especially with some planning ahead of time to help keep debt to a minimum. It’s still true that those with a bachelor’s degree will earn $1 Million more over their lifetime than those who only complete high school.

The challenge is to graduate with as little debt as possible.  Katie Bryan, America Saves, lists three ways to help keep student debt to a minimum:

1. Create a College Savings Plan

Just like savings for retirement, it’s good to save early and often. There are many ways out there to help you save, from a 529 account to Savings Bonds. Tip to find extra money to save: If you can save an extra $300 a year ($25 a month at 5% interest, compounded monthly for 18 years) you will have an extra $8,766.43 to put towards tuition bills.

Haven’t created a college savings plan yet? Pledge to Save with America Saves and you can set your savings goal and create a plan to reach it. You can even sign up for text message tips and reminders to help you reach your goal of saving for college.

2. Shop Around For Schools and Free Money

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau created atool to compare the costs of different colleges. Their tool will let you compare financial aid offers so you can see how all those numbers impact your payments down the road.

Apply for as many scholarships as you can. $500 here and $1,000 there can go a long way to helping pay for college. Many students also stop looking for scholarships once they enter college, but keep applying each year. Need some inspiration? Check out the article “How I won$100,000+ in college scholarships” by Ramit Sethi.

3.  Find Ways to Reduce Spending (or Earn Money) While in College

Live at Home – Living on campus can cost anywhere from $7,500 to $9,000 per year. Consider living at home during college (if you can) and you can save nearly $40,000. You can still get a full college experience by joining clubs and being active on campus.

Get a Part-Time Job – Look for a job on campus or a paid internship to supplement your income and pay for expenses like food, books, and incidentals while in college. The more you can pay upfront the less your monthly loan payments will be when you graduate. For more tips on how to save money visit our site americasaves.org.

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America Saves, managed by the Consumer Federation of America (CFA), is a non-profit research‐based social marketing campaign that seeks to motivate, support, and encourage low- to moderate-income households to save money and build wealth. Learn more at americasaves.org

Seven Steps Towards an Empowered Self-Esteem

Have you ever been guilty of saying:

“How can I be so studpid?”

“I know I will fail”

“I can’t do anything right.”

I call this trash talking! These negative statements contribute to our low self-esteem. 

Self-esteem is defined as a general feeling of self-worth.  Individuals who like who they are and feel good about themselves are considered to have high self-esteem.  People with low self-esteem may dislike themselves or hold mixed feelings about themselves.

Throughout our lives we are exposed to countless messages from different people, both verbal and non-verbal, that can influence how we feel about ourselves or affect our self-esteem.  Some messages come from parents, caregivers, and/or family friends starting at birth.  As we grow up we are exposed to more, and sometimes different, messages from peers, friends, people in the community and the media.  Building self-esteem can be a constant battle. So what can we do to create the confident image we desire?

1.     Enjoy life! When we enjoy what we do, we become good at it.  When we become good at a skill we gain appreciation and recognition from others which increases our confidence and makes us feel good about our accomplishments. So enjoy your work! Even if it is a boring and monotonous job, spice it up by setting targets for yourself and then work to achieve them.  For example: Start a song on the radio and try to have the house dusted before the song ends. (Remember to dance while you move to the music). Make sure to set the standards high and have fun!

2.    Enhance your style! Although our physical appearance plays a major role in our self-esteem, many of us choose to avoid that tiny detail.  We should make sure that we do justice to the features that we have been blessed with.  Men and women should make sure that their hair and face are well groomed, clothes well ironed and color coordinated.  Women make sure to at least wear the basics in make-up (foundation, lip color and a little eye shadow).  When you are well “put together” others will notice and that will give you an instant boost!

3.    Exercise! Regular workouts help the body release the negative toxins built up in your body faster.  The skin shines and you are more fit and in better shape.  If you are fit, you will feel better in your clothes and have more energy to accomplish the things you want to accomplish.  A fit person has a natural vibe of confidence that surrounds them.

4.    Energize yourself! Take time out for yourself. People often lose themselves in the rut and forget about their own needs and thoughts.  If we have an emergency mid-flight, who gets the oxygen mask first? The Stewardess will instruct the caregiver to place their mask on first and then they can assist their loved ones. Why do you think this is? If we pass out, we cannot be of assistance to anyone around us.  It is very important to give yourself first priority.  Set aside time each day to do something that you really want to do.  Also, make sure that you spend at least 30 minutes by yourself each day to reflect on the day’s events and to meditate.  This helps you bring understanding to you day and prepares you for the next day.

5.    Edify yourself! Make 3 X 5 index cards that have positive sayings about yourself.  For example: I am a compassionate person, I am creative, I am a great singer, etc.  Now you might not totally feel this way at the time that you are making the cards but you know in your heart that you have the seeds of potential within you!  Once the cards are made, keep them in a safe place so that when you feel at your lowest you can bring those cards out and look them over to help build up your self-esteem again.  You may also choose to place them in areas around the home where you will see them on a regular basis for that daily dose of reminder.  For example, you may place them in a book you are reading, on the refrigerator, on the bathroom mirror, in your purse etc.  These will serve as constant reminders of your good qualities.  Having trouble coming up with positives?  Ask your friends and family members to help list your good qualities.

6.    Embark on new advenutes! Make a bucket list of all the things that you always wanted to do in your life.  Look over this list and begin to set goals for each of these tasks.  Which ones can I accomplish in the short term, which goals will take longer to achieve?  What tasks need to be accomplished to make this goal a reality?  Now remember this list is by no means set in stone, it is just a personal list to keep you focused on your dreams and goals.  Try it out!  It is a great tool to make a pathway for yourself and your future!  May I encourage you to start taking chances?  Even if you are starting out at square one with no experience, in what you want to do, you need to try and take the first step at your dream.  Many of us are afraid to try because we are afraid of failure.  Remember it is better to try and fail than never try at all.

7.    Elect to have a strong self-esteem.  Many people give in to the slight depressions of life.  The important tool here is to accept the downs and expect the ups.  Once you come to terms with the fact that life will come with its set of failures, you will not get thrown off guard by them.  You will be more prepared, which will make their impact on your life less.  This in turn will help your self-regard increase.  Victory over defeat gives strength, you just have to see it.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world is stopping you from building your self-esteem other than YOU! 

If you would like to learn more about this topic or other UT Extension Programs in Sequatchie County visit:

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REFERENCES

How to Take Practical Steps in Building Self-esteem in Adults –

http://www.ehow.com/print/how_4661419_practical-steps-building-selfesteem-adults.html

Maintaining a Positive and Healthy Self-Esteem: What Can Adults Do? –

University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension HE Form 550

Self-Esteem: Self-Esteem Can be Taught – http://selfesteem.org/self-

esteem-can-be-taught.html

Self-esteem Activities for Adults – http://www.buzzle.com/articles/self-   

          esteem-activities-for-adults.html