Fighting Fair

When fighting, we portray one of three different personality traits.  Some of us fight with aggression.  We are yellers, stompers, slammers and all out fit throwers. (You know who you are.)  Others fight by being passive.  We retreat into our shell like a wounded turtle.  We might not speak for days and withhold affection or acknowledgment to the one that has angered us. (Be honest and admit it.)  There is a better way to resolve conflict, Assertiveness.  When we use one simple communication tool, our conflicts can become areas of healthy discussions and problem solving sessions instead of battle fields where everyone loses.

An I message is a simple three-part statement that informs others (a) how you feel, (b) what event or what action bothers you, and (c) what you would like to have happen differently.  The first benefit of an I message is its ability to neutralize an argument. An I message does not blame the other person and does not sound judgmental.  For example: Instead of saying, “you make me so angry,” you might say, “I feel angry when…”.  You messages usually make the listener feel attacked and angry.  The response is likely to be negative and lead to an argument.  On the other hand, a simple I statement may result in a more helpful, cooperative response for solving the problem.

I messages also give the passive and/or the aggressive personality trait a healthy voice on which to be heard. The second part of the I message allows the sender to calmly voice what situation is making them uncomfortable.  For example: You might be angry when your spouse is habitually late to dinner.  You might say, “I feel disrespected when I prepare a meal for our family and you arrive home late.”  This allows the receiver to actually hear the problem being stated without engaging in a shouting match or experiencing the silent treatment. 

The third part of the I message opens up the door for healthy problem solving.  Once the feelings and the cause have been identified, the sender may now make a recommendation for what would make the situation better.  For example: You might say, “I would appreciate you calling home by 4:00 when you know you are going to be late.” This suggestion allows the receiver to respond with agreement or to make other suggestions that might work for both parties.

It takes some time for I messages to feel natural in conversation.  Think about what you want to say before you deliver the message.  Use the formula for an I message to help you express what you want to say. You might even want to write your message down to make sure it says what you feel and what you want without accusing the other person.  Remember the formula:

I feel (insert feeling word or phrase) when (say what happens that makes you feel that way).  I would like (tell what you would like to have happen in the future).

If you would like more information on healthy communication skills, contact the Extension office at 423-949-2611 or visit our website  or like us on Facebook.